| by Kenneth Chase | No comments

Would You Date Someone With a Sex Doll? | Hot Property


Oh, no! No! Ladies and
gentlemen! What? This guy was letting his juice
out yesterday! That’s disgusting! There’s his condom wrapper. You must be Lam. Hi.
I’m Filly. Lovely to meet you, Lam. You excited?
Cos, I’m mad excited, you know. Now, it is very important
that you really analyse these pictures. OK. These pictures
speak millions of words right now. Pressure! All right.
So this is picture number one. As you can see, it is
a pair of football boots. I mean, I don’t think
he is a footballer. You can tell it’s a local team,
innit? Cos he’s got the £30 boots. Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.
Sports Direct. Ain’t that true! You know, you get the £90 ones or
the £30 ones! That is so…
These are the £30 boots! This is the next one,
we’ve got navy shirts. What do you think it is? What do you
think this guy does? He is just a typical guy.
Typical, you know, like… I feel like he is in recruitment.
He is in recruitment. He hasn’t secured his
first placement, though. You can tell that he is struggling.
He is still on the e-mails, doing the admin.
He doesn’t want to be too bold… But he also doesn’t want to, you
know… Just want to fit in, you
know? Yeah, yeah, you don’t want to be too
casual. OK, this one. I don’t know about you, but this is
speaking thousands of words to me. Mm-hm. All the books in the
background. I didn’t even… I just looked at the alcohol. El Amor?
He’s definitely looking for love! Roald Dahl. Aw! I like this guy. I
like him. It is pronounced, “Amor”. How do you know? Surprised her.
She probably thought I was Somalian. That is so rude! How do you feel about that? The fact that he might be,
you know, Latino? Oh yeah. That’s nice.
You like Latinos, do you? Yeah, I do. OK. All right, next picture! First and
foremost, the bedsheets are dead. They’re very dead. That is like…
They look itchy, like a kilt. Like an itchy kilt.
I hear you. I actually do hear you. Cool.
So, this is the last picture. Oh, shit! Ooh! You like this one!
This is your favourite one. No, it’s not. It’s not. No. The
bottle’s empty, though. The bottle is empty. Well, damn. Well, damn. I reckon it was a really expensive
bottle of alcohol, he didn’t want to throw it away. He
is one of them guys who puts his alcohol on top of cupboards
and shit, you know what I mean, like, look at what I bought.
I’ve got so many friends like that. Keeps his bottle of Belvedere…
It costs £500 in the club. Throw it away.
All you guys, throw them away. Dash that in the trash. Where it
belongs. I’d laugh… You come across as a guy
who has, like, loads of Belvedere bottles.
Or, like, Ciroc. Just, like, lying around. What, you think I have got that in
my room? Yeah. Based on these pictures,
who do you want to get rid of? We’ve got the football boots,
we have got the navy, dead recruitment shirts, we have also got Mr Refined,
“I’m Latino, I like…” “But I’m an alcoholic.”
We have also got… The singleton.
The singleton. Could be using it in a couple
of ways, I don’t know. We have also got, itchy bed sheets
with cheetah pillows and a dusty coat.
The choice is yours. Do you want to make the decision? This is all about you. I am going to get rid of the itchy,
dusty coat, and the dead shirts. You have made the right decision. There we have it,
ladies and gentlemen, that is two down and three to go.
Lock in. No, I’m joking! Come on, this is room number one. Or numero uno.
Are you ready to take it off? Yes. Three… ..two… ..one. Take it off. Oh, sweet Jesus. Go on, go on, go on. What? What have you seen?
You have got to talk to me. Oh, my God, this guy is weird. Oh, no! No, we liked refined,
what is going on? No. Let’s look about, let’s give him
a chance. Because I feel like you’re just
saying that based on… Stop. Talk to me. There’s a gaming chair! Where are you going? You can’t run out! She tried to… What’s wrong? I can’t believe I am
here… Let’s do this.
Let’s look about first. I feel like he is the guy
from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Oh! He’s put that there on purpose.
Do you reckon? Are you into all that, like toys
during activities, or? I’m not going to disclose
any information…at this point. OK, we’ll keep that private.
All right then, OK. Does that bother you? The fact that you’ve just come
into someone’s room that could potentially be your lover,
and he’s got a blow-up sex doll in his room.
Does that bother you? That’s what it is, though, isn’t it?
Yeah, but that is what it is. It does, and no, yeah. I mean, I’m
not, you know, going to sit here and say it’s weird, because
everybody has their whatever, but… A little weird. That’s pretty
fucking weird. Ain’t that cool? I think that’s
quite cool. Have a look, sit in that chair.
I think that’s quite comfortable. I feel like the Godfather of gaming. And that’s the same chair
you cussed when you walked in. You know what I’m saying, I
think you just… Shh! I’m joking. Let’s do some proper snooping.
Let’s go in his wardrobe. I just realised that I am
actually quite particular. Before I was, like, uh, you know.
You don’t realise what you like until you… Yeah, exactly until
you’re faced with it. Oh, God. Look at that.
Look at that. What? Oh, no. Look, you can talk to us.
Is that nice, or is that dead? No, it’s weird. You don’t like it? No. BOTH: Ooh! Is that Tommy Hilfiger?
No, it’s not. HE LAUGHS
You got excited then! Because you know what,
I saw the colour scheme and I said, “Yeah, Tommy.”
Look, he cares about life. What are they? Oh, they’re encyclopaedias. Look. Oh, they’re…Spanish
encyclopaedias. Yes. That’s quite cute. He’s an
intelligent guy, he has to be, like, to have them books there as well,
and he has, like… Yeah, he has to be intelligent. And all of that, like, I can’t
even let you do this. I’m just being real with you.
I’m being real with you. We need to leave pronto! Is that, ain’t that good, though? I mean, why is it next
to his computer? Oh, my days! Oooh! Ooh! Let’s go! You’ve made me realise
that, and I’m all, like, “Oh, he’s got it, look!”
Oh, I’ve touched my face! Let’s go! Let’s go. You’re going to have to, yep…
Other foot, careful… This way, follow me.
Come on, come through. Come through, come through,
come through, come through. So, we are in the second room. Three, two, one,
take off the blindfold. First initial thoughts, go.
Oh, shit, it’s a boat! We’re in a boat.
This is crazy. Man’s got books, nappies, tissue. What’s this little game?
Sokudo? What’s this one called? Sudoko. “Sokudo”? Oh, my days, I’m so sorry. Sounds
like a Chinese proverb! Sorry, I thought it was sokudo. But,
yeah, he’s got, like, proper random stuff. Little stuff….
He’s got nappies. All I’m focused on is the fact
that this baby is really young. Is that, is that an issue for you? There’s some baby mama
drama going on there. Is that, is that an issue for you? Nah. If you were a girl, and he
brought you back here after being on a date,
and you were a bit drunk, you’d think this was the coolest
thing ever… So, this is the bathroom. Oh, look, it’s lovely and clean. Lovely and clean?
I feel like I’m on a cruise. I feel like I’m on holiday. Do you know what, this is all making
sense to me as to why this is like this. You just broke…
What, what have I done? I feel like I’m in a, in a horror
movie. Ah, so, look. You can’t, you can’t hit stuff
because things just come out of place. You know what’s really weird?
I like looking at people’s toilets. Do you? Yeah, because… If your toilet’s really dirty,
like, I don’t know… There’s something about that. Just a
quick guess, you reckon there’s a shit stain? Yes or no. Yes or no? I do. All right. cool.
Let’s have a look. I think there is.. There isn’t. Look at how you flush
the toilet. You’ve got to pump it up. Ha-ha! You’re touching that. SHE LAUGHS Oh, no! No! Ladies and gentlemen! What? What is that? This guy was
letting his juice out yesterday! That’s disgusting. There’s his
condom wrapper. You’re too much.
Oh, my, this is the same one. No, look, I’m a deeper guy. I’m a conservative person. Look. Do not tell me that is
not the same packet. No, of course it is.
I mean, you don’t need to… No, no, no, but you’re missing
the whole point. I’m not missing the point! He had
sex recently, we know! I’d be weirded out
if he didn’t have sex. He’s letting out stuff. He did, he did know
we was coming today. Listen, whatever your name is…
Does that not bother you, no? No, why would it bother me? Fair enough.
It would bother me. I just thought I’d mention it.
What is that? Let’s put it out. Yo! Wait, wait. I’ve put two…
All right, so, look… I don’t know, I wasn’t…
Is this how he empties his toilet? I’ve got four GCSEs in school,
but I’m pretty sure that is the same brand as the brand on the toilet. Now, I’m not touching none of that. I am really freaked out right now. Please open it. Oh! The whole thing sounded like
it’s got liquid in it! I don’t want to touch that.
Oh, please open it! I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it! When a shit goes down a toilet,
if you really think about it, the shit’s still in it. Because he packs it up and puts
it in the corner! No, I’m not happy about this.
This guy is a psycho! I am ready to get out of here and
look at the other room, let’s go. I’m done with this… Are you going to lead me in? This is room number three. Sorry…
You have to lead me in. Jesus! Sorry. OK, so take it off
in three, two, one! What do you think? Woo! Give me your initial
thoughts straight away. I don’t like them curtains!
It’s a nice big window, though. OK. He’s got a laptop here. He has got a laptop there. Let’s see
if he’s got his own playlist. Ooh! He’s got a little rap workout!
Ooh! Give it to me! Ooh! She likes him. As soon as she saw rap, she goes,
“Give it here.” Oh, I mean… A bit basic.
How about these jeans? Are they too skinny for you? I remember… Oh, God, they’ve got
rips in them! I’ve got rips. Yeah, I know, but I’m
not going on a date with you, am I? What’s wrong with rips? I don’t like
rips in jeans, I think they’re… And you don’t like skinnies. This is
like two in one. This is stretch skinny
and, whoa, brother! You need to throw
these out, though, man. These are a bit like wishy-washy
now. Do you know what I mean? He’s sown them himself, look. Is
that stains? He’s sown it with blue thread. I think he just sits here. Do you know what? There might be…
Because this position… There might be a girl that lives,
like, there, that he, like, spies on. Pube. That is funny! He didn’t put that
together very well. That’s what I’ve… You are going to break
it if you go near it too much. No, you have got to test it. Oh, my God. It is a bit… You are
wrong. How about this one? What is it, they do as well,
cuffs ones, innit? HE MOANS You are honestly, like,
freaking me out right now. Oh, he’s got dirty socks under his
bed. No! He doesn’t!
He does. He does. Maybe they are like… Never mind.
You was about to say something. You know when you can’t be bothered
to get up, aft…you know… What do you mean,
can’t be bothered to get up? Can’t be bothered to get up, so he’s
just, you know, reached for the nearest thing. So… Mr Refined, Mr Singleton, and now
Mr Football Boots. Someone’s got to go.
What decision are you going to make? Erm… Oh, God!
This is really nerve-racking. I’m, like, really for, like, sharing
the same interests as the guy that I’m going out with.
I think I’m not too… I’m not into gaming,
I’m not into figurines. But there are some girls who think
that’s, like, super-cool, but I’m not that girl, so,
I think I am going to whittle it, I’m going to get rid of him.
Mr Refined? Yeah. So what I have for you is a
video from Mr Refined. Aw! So you actually get to look at
what… I’m going to have a heart attack.
..Mr Refined looks like. He’s on his chair! He’s going to
turn round… He’s on his little gaming chair,
he’s going to spin round like that! Like Terminator! You know you did that? I’m so
excited, are you ready? I’m so ready. Are you nervous? How
do you feel? Just very quickly? I’m nervous, I don’t know why. Right, let’s go. Hi. I’m Roberto. Can’t believe you
didn’t pick me. Look at this room. It’s great. It’s got amazing books, amazing figurines, best of all,
you’ve got this sweet chair. Oh! He’s probably a lovely guy,
but he’s definitely, I feel like I’d be a bit too much
for him. Do you reckon? Yeah. I like him, do you know why?
Cos he… Yeah. He don’t give a shit. I just feel
like he is a cool guy, man. He loves himself!
He’s even got a Pokemon top on. Do not lose faith. We are still going to find
you some love, girl. Hopefully. Are you excited?
Yeah. Yeah, man! Let’s go! This is Mr Football Boots. OK. What we are going to do now, is
we are going to examine everything, so we are
going to start right now. Is this what you expected the
outside, well, it’s a bit hard to tell, isn’t it? Just from the room.
Yeah. No, it’s nice, it’s cool. Yeah? Mm-hm.
Now this is the lounge. OK. What do we think of…
Same curtains! What do we think? I think this is a picture of either,
I’m going to say his sister… Oh, King’s College.
Where’s that again? Erm… It’s a good uni. Yeah? What do we think?
Can you see yourself at home here? Look, we have got another little,
like, sofa chair, here. Out of respect, though,
you have got to take your trainers off if you are going to put your
feet up. But can you see yourself here? Yeah. It’s all right. Lam, this is the last room,
this is the kitchen. One of my favourite rooms
in every household. Is that a thing? What, is that a thing, yeah? I don’t
know. So now that we’ve showed
you more of the house, how has this affected your decision? Guys’ rooms are just typically,
like, quite plain or whatever, and I think the rest
of the house is the same. So it’s, do you know what I mean,
it’s brought it down a little bit, I’m going to say. Why, though? In
terms of a better decision or… Like, you would probably
have to sit in his room, and you wouldn’t be able
to do anything much more. I feel like it would be
that kind of a set-up, you know, like, this is his mum’s
house, and that’s his room. He stays there. Tell me what you think. Oh! This is exciting, isn’t it? It’s
cute. Got a little yard on the boat. Oh, look, he’s got like a little… Aw! Logs. Yeah, he’s got his little
logs there. We can watch The Notebook. Fire. Books. I know you love your
books. What books has he got? Oh, he’s funny, intelligent,
creative and determined! That’s what one of his friends said.
Chekhov, oh, he’s… He’s what?
Got all the plays by Chekhov. That’s quite cool.
Oh, yeah. I know who Chekhov is. What is this?
Is that a script? That’s a script!
He’s a scriptwriter. “My heart and silence
then shall prisons break. “And play the loyal servant
in your pleasure.” “It would cause scandal
to be seen about. “Speak in the corners
with the lower-born. “My boy, we should not
speak so openly.” You are a good actor!
I felt it, do you know what it is? I felt it in my body. Shit the bed. It all went through me. How about the fridge?
Oh, look! He’s got asparagus, like, tied
in a little elastic band! Wow! I swear. “To do… Exhaust pipe…” Now, he’s a legend.
He’s a legend. “Bike wheel…” “Write to Nanna…” Wait, hold on.
Is age an issue for you? Erm… Not really. It depends who it is.
Depends how they act. You could be a lot older,
but be really immature. You could be younger
and be really mature. It doesn’t really matter, but
depends on the guy, I guess. Oh, look. He’s got a British
wildlife photography award book. So he is obviously…
He’s into animals. Who isn’t… Who doesn’t think
they’re a videographer? Have you got any pets?
I don’t, no. Because I am not that grown-up yet.
Let’s just say he had a pet squirrel. Is that…? I mean, that would be a bit weird.
No, it wouldn’t. If he had a pet squirrel. Do you
know what is quite weird? We haven’t found anything
baby-related. Yeah, that’s very true.
I don’t think he has a baby now. You don’t think he has a baby? I don’t know, but why would they be
next to his bed, you know? Like, why would they be out on
display? I don’t know. Is it for some sort
of improv that he is doing? Is he a method actor?
You know, I don’t… I’m not sure…
Or does he wear the nappies? I think you are chatting a little
bit of shit, mate. I’m not going to lie.
I know, I just… It’s got to the deeper
part of the show. Have you figured out who you want? Are you still trying to decide,
like, speak to me. Where’s your head at? I think I’ve got
a pretty good decision. Yeah? Who are we losing? Who is
going? I think… ..which is something that I never
thought I would do, but I am going to get
rid of…football guy. Yeah! Same thing I would have done,
girl! I’m so happy for you.
Do you know what I am going to do? I am going to show you what Mr
Football Boots looks like…
Oh, shit! Wait. Oh, he has all started off the
video biting his lips. Oh, no! He’s trying to do sexy from early. Oh, no! Aw!
Hey, it’s Jordan. I can’t believe you didn’t pick me. I can’t believe you didn’t
want to spend more time with these bad boys. I mean, look, we’ve got red,
green, purple, the mood would have really been set.
But, oh, well. What are we saying?
I love Jordan. I really liked Jordan!
Aw! I liked him as well. So… What does that mean? Sorry, I shouldn’t…
I shouldn’t laugh. But what does this mean, now,
does this mean that you kind of, are you still happy with and 110%
sure of your decision? Yeah. OK, good. That’s all I want to
hear. He’s lovely. Had the little nose
pierced and the shape-up was good. You’re very handsome, Jordan. OK,
are you ready to go on this date? Yeah, I’m so excited. Are you
actually excited? Yeah, I am fucking buzzing. I’m
excited for you. Bring it in! Let’s go. Come on, man. You have got
to go on your date. My dream girl is a very outdoorsy,
a little bit wild, and likes to have a laugh
and can drink a pint of lager. Oh, are you excited? Today’s the day. She’s got a shirt,
and she’s got the swag, you know how the one sleeve is just
up, she knows what she’s doing. The wind is blowing
in the right direction. I have got my tux on today. I’m
ready. Tell me, how did you feel
when you went home? Was you nervous then, or was it just
when you got here, and you was like, “Shit, this is
actually happening.”? Now, I’m nervous, but before,
I haven’t been stressing. Wait, can you see him?
Can you see him from here? Are you excited? You can see the
little set-up of the date. You can see what he has done. I think that’s food over there,
I’m seeing plants, baskets… Oh, look at his little shirt. Yeah?
It’s time I let you go. Listen, you go along.
Enjoy your date, I’ve done my bit. You do yours. All right, later, Lam! Enjoy your date, girl! Is he cute? I don’t know if he’s
cute. I can’t see from here. Hello. Hi. I’m James. Nice to meet you. And
your name is…? Lam. Lam? Yeah. Nice to meet you.
Cool. Have you not been on there? Oh, no, look!
It looks like I’m about to propose. Which I…
A bit blustery, isn’t it? Yeah.
It’s not as nice… So, would you like a drink? Erm… Cos I really want a drink! So, did you, like…
Look at that. Oh, my God. That was really
impressive. Did you surprise yourself? So what do you actually do, then? Erm… I work in theatre, as a
theatre director. What have you directed
that I would know? Erm, almost nothing. Oh! When I saw them nappies, I was like,
“Oh, what a lovely dad… “..that’s just bought a boat, that
his child probably asked him to
do…” But then I noticed they were really
small, and I was like, “No…” Well, it either means I’ve got
incontinence or I’m a dad. How old do you think I am? I’m going to go 28. I’m 29. My friend thinks I’m Alan
Partridge when I date. Who the fuck’s… Oh, my God! I love Alan Partridge!
I love you. So you can leave an avocado
on a tree for like, erm… ..weeks and
weeks and weeks. And as soon as you take
it off the tree, that is when it starts ripening. It’s a fruit. It doesn’t grow under
the ground. FILLY YELLS Oh, my God!
Oh, my days! You having a good date? Yeah, we are having a good time.
Do you want some? Who is your new friend? Hi, Bobby.
Hey, Bobby. So, how long have you been single?
A while. That’s good specific… I like to keep it open,
I like to be mysterious. Keep it vague.
Keep me on my toes. I know that you love the boat,
but there is something you don’t know. What?
Is I actually own a flat. Oh, you do! You know what, you own a
flat and a boat? Yeah. But… Tell me more, where
is this flat of yours? The flat is in Essex.
Oh, God! I’m joking. Your condoms, put them away, man. They are like red…
You know what? There was a piece… There was a ripped piece,
unless this was someone else in your room or whatever,
there was a ripped piece of condom in the sink. In the sink?
In the sink of the bathroom. Cheers. You have to look in my eyes
when you do that. Sorry, bad luck. What is it? I don’t
know. It’s like… 100 years bad relationships
or something. 100 years terrible…relationships. Cheers. So the date’s done.
How are you feeling? I’m feeling good. OK, so what does this mean,
does this mean that, you know, you are going
to carry on dating? Does this mean that you are going to
go home on your ones today? I don’t know how this works, here. Truthfully, I think that he is such
a lovely guy, and that… ..whoever gets with him
is a very lucky… What do you mean,
whoever gets with him? ..is a very lucky girl, but I’m,
erm… Did you ask him about the condom?
Yes, I did. What did he say?
He didn’t have any answer. You dirty dog, James. No, he was just like, “Yeah,
I don’t have an excuse for that.” He tried to make an excuse
on the spot, but I was like,… He is a dirty dog. Unfortunately, James got
friendzoned. I shouldn’t laugh,
because James is my guy. Lam, you let me down today. I think Lam really liked the idea of
living on a boat. I think she could probably manage
it even though she’s freaked out by the toilet. Erm… But I’m not sure that I wooed
her too much today. There’s a gaming chair! That’s
wishy-washy! I’ve got a nice wardrobe! Jordan, you had fish
in a container thing… See, I saved the whole team, man. I did her a favour. I forgot his name, innit?

Leave a Reply