Tokyo Ghoul IN 5 MINUTES
Ghouls are basically glorified vampires that eat human flesh. That’s why this shit’s stupidly popular on Tumblr! HEY OL’ BUDDY OL’ PAL! I’m your BEST FRIEND! Even though I’m not that actually relevant till the end. GO HIT ON THAT GIRL!! You mean the edgy teenager who looks like she has daddy issues? hi No, THAT ONE. Do you want to come over for dinner? [Fuck yeah she wants to have me for dinner!] OH GOD SHE’S HAVING ME FOR DINNER!! Tough luck! I’m one of the strongest ghouls out there! Hahahah! HAHAHAHA- (lol) FALLING PIPES… MY ONE WEAKNESS!!! O-shi-e-te- *coughing n’ shit* “Nope, can’t do it.” Well that date could have gone better. All your organs were ruptured but luckily there was a random lady next to you with all her organs intact! So we just put them in you, no questions asked! That sounds stupidly illegal and irresponsible. I KNOW! btdubs If you’re a ghoul, you can’t eat human food! (desperation) [I DON’T WANNA BE A GHOUL]*vomiting in the toilet* (crying) Hey, uh, are you gonna eat that? *KICK* What the fuck is wrong with you? *ANOTHER KICK* Oh it’s you… eat this human meat. NO! I DON’T WANNA BE A GHOUL. Eat it! I DON’T WANNA BE A GHOUL! (Kaneki still crying, spewing unintelligble nonsense) *SLAM* Nobody gives a shit! Gramps, he won’t stop crying… can you help? Drink coffee. Wow, this is great. See? This isn’t so bad- (Kaneki cries some more) There he goes again! C’mon. We need to get you a mask from anime Skrillex. Hi, I’m anime Skrillex, and I’m not actually gonna do anything in the show. ME TOO! Me three. What about him? I’m fabulous and a potential pedophile! Would you like to come back with me for some candy? [Now Kaneki dear…] [Remember what Mama told you to say when strange men who are potential pedophiles offer you candy?] YES! MOM YOU LIED TO ME!! Sheesh, it was just a joke. Here, you can clean up at my place. [I don’t see any harm in that!] *Take My Breath Awaaayyyy!* (HARMONYYYY!!!) (gross) I’m a maniacal sadistic fuck who looks like he raped babies for a living! I’m the righteous white knight partner! Who for some reason doesn’t care about anything he does. Oohhh look… A defenseless little girl! Would you like some candy? Don’t fall for it it’s a trap! AAGH! [Where the hell is that Kaneki when I need him?] Oh what the fuck? (Kaneki crying and spewing unintelligible nonsense… again) I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! *WHOOPS* [Oh God what have I done] Shh, It’s okay, have a Snickers. I can’t believe I got killed by a little girl! Serves you right you sadistic- [Wait a minute] *climax intestifies* [I LEFT THE STOVE ON!] [oh and he was married] … nooooooo…. I’m looking for my sister. Nii-ssan? He’s your brother?! (dun Dun DUU-) Well, you two DO look very alike. *Jason fucks up Kaneki* Kaneki’s been kidnapped! Oh I’m sure he’s doing fine! (Screaming in the background) Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety nine bottles of beer! Alright, I GUESS we can get him. Why are you doing this to me, Jason? BECAUSE I’M A WALKING COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!! Haha, you look pathetic. Says the person who got killed by some falling pipes… Fuck you. Hax mode: ON! What?! Why has your hair turned white? ‘Cause it makes me look more badass. So why have your nails turned black? ‘Cause it makes me look FABULLOOUUUSSSS!!!! (Jason jealous of Kaneki’s fab) It’s the most dangerous Ghoul of all time… The One-eyed Owl. Woah Kaneki you look different. I am not Kaneki anymore, I am… Kan-edgy. *silence* Fuck you I have white hair. So, are you coming back with us? Thanks, but Imma join the people who kidnapped and tortured me. What? That makes no sense! Probably does in the manga! I’ll always remember your physically deformed face as you were trying to slaughter children. Hey hotness, what brings you to this grave? He’s my dad. HE’S YOUR WHAT? We were so desperate for new recruits we even hired a small boy! Why are you a girl? I DUNNO! Will you be my daddy? Sure. Just make sure to behave yourse- (maniacal laughter in background) Oh, there he goes maniacally killing things again! They grow up so fast… WATCH ME SPIN THIS PEN! BBBRRRROOOOOHHHHAHAHAA oYAAAA!!!!!! So, what now? We listen to the out of nowhere awesome soundtrack! *Glassy Sky plays while out of nowhere awesome things happen* Does any of what happen matter anyway? Probably does in the manga! OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Touka! Kaneki’s back in town! [He’s what?] (DEJA VU) *Deja Vu by Initial D plays* hi- *PUNCH* FUCK YOU! Fancy meeting you here again… I was thinking about your dad, who I respected a lot. My dad was a psychopath. Yeah well he’s dead now, so we’re supposed to like him. Oh God, talking about my dead father makes me so HORNY. *romantic piano music* [wait a minute…] *never gonna give you up plays* (OHHHHHHHHHH!!!) Hey guys… GUYS! Guess who I’m doing an impression of? *silence* Guys? GUYS? Oh, whatever just start the war! (war starts) I have to find Kaneki! *Running In The 90’s starts playing* (Ready?) *Build-up…* (GO!) *MUSIC INTENSIFIES* [Must Find Kaneki] Oh GOD! You look like Vash the Stampede and Alexander Anderson had a gay mutant baby! And you look like Luigi started taking steroids! [EPIC OWL FIGHT] [epic owl fight] (RUNNING IN THE 90’S! IT’S A NEW WAY OF LIFE TO ME!) I’m DYING, ol’buddy ol’pal! No! *whimpering* You were…you were… wait, who were you again? I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND! You were my best friend! [Don’t worry pal] [I’ll get you to the place you belong.] *opening theme song Unravel plays* [Here we go] [we should be getting there aaany second now…] [OH GOD HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN WALKING?!?!] [My legs are in so much PAIN!] [Are we almost there yet?] [I hope to GOD Touka is doing better than ME!] Olympics announcer: “And Jamaica retain their title, 36.85; and the world record has been taken apart!” *Nightcore version of Unravel plays* Hey guys, Gigguk here! Hope you enjoyed the latest episode of anime in minutes! If you’d like to see the previous episode, which was Sword Art Online, or any featured episodes then just click on the links here! And I’d like to give a HUGE thanks to my voice actors for doing a GREAT job at making this episode what it was. Also I know I said in the previous episode that I was aiming for a monthly schedule but, in case you missed it, it’s looking more like a 6-week schedule per episode at the moment considering how much work it takes… unless I can find someone to help me lessen the load in the future. Anyway that’s it for me, not many updates from me today. So, I’ve been Gigguk and I’ll see you all next time!