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The ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ With The Bicycle Man Child Molester

(mellow music) – [Narrator] Mr. Drummond
warns it’s about to get very real in this bitch. Buckle up. The fam’s returning bikes after a ride. Mr. Horton comes out juggling. He used to juggle knives in the circus. Not a troubling backstory at all. He says instead of renting,
Mr. Drummond should buy a bike. Sounds good to Arnold. Mr. Drummond doesn’t like the idea of Arnold riding around town. There are a lot of creepy weirdos. Arnold says a bike now
is a great investment, he’s going to be this size forever. Mr. Horton shows Arnold a fresh red bike. He loves it. He can a wear a red helmet with red pants and pronounce Cs like Bs so
people know where he bomes from. Mr. Drummond says it’ll
make a fine birthday gift. Mr. Horton tells Arnold
if passes out these flyers he’ll give him a nifty radio. – [Mr. Horton] You scratch
my back, I’ll scratch yours? – [Arnold] You keep comin’
up with these presents, you can scratch me all over! (laughing) – [Narrator] He might just
take you up on that, Arnold. Arnold is unsuccessfully distributing these opposite of treasure maps. Dudley shows him how a
real salesman does it then wants in on the offer to hand out a pedophile’s leaflets for a free radio. Arnold announces he
gave out all the flyers. – [Mr. Horton] That is great Arnold. You’re sure some terrific passer-outer. – [Arnold] I have a way with words when I put my mouth to it. – [Narrator] Uh, maybe don’t
advertise what that mouth do. Mr. Horton says this
calls for a celebration. How about a banana split
in his attached apartment that features one of those arcade cabinets older men are known to
have loved in the 1980’s. – [Mr. Horton] Arnold this is the tallest, the sweetest, the gooeyst, the stickiest, and the most disgusting banana
split I think I’ve ever made. – [Narrator] That checks out, most of his disgusting sticky messes aren’t very tall at all. – [Arnold] The way I eat it,
it won’t have a chance to melt. My tongue’s faster than
a hummingbird’s wing. (laughing) – [Narrator] Arnold,
please say less right now. Mr. Horton says it sucks Arnold’s dad won’t give him
the bike until his birthday. But if he wants to swing by after school, he can ride that red thang. Maybe take the bike for a spin, too. But do not tell da da about the bike. Matter of fact, don’t tell da da sheeit. Arnold tells Dudley the awesome news that Mr. Horton has toys
and trains and video games. It’s like Michael Jackson’s house. Just like Michael Jackson’s house. And he might be able to get Dudley in on the banana shaped stuff
in your mouth action. Mr. Horton sees his young guests and plants some porn between comic books. (laughing) Very weird laugh track. He invites them in to his
sad apartment for pizza. He says the za is cookin’, but
he needs to go to the front, so peruse his well-stocked
literature in the meantime. Arnold’s mind is blown. That’s a titty. That’s a titty. Whole book full of titty. Mr. Horton catches them
and says it’s all good. A little titty never hurt no one. The human body is a work of art. Now here’s some pizza with a not so subtle
sales pitch on the side. – [Mr Horton] You know
guys, you can just have and awful lot of fun
with your clothes off. Unless of course you
live at the North Pole, You’re gonna freeze your touche off. (laughing) – [Narrator] Very very weird laugh track. He says skinny dipping is fun. Here are pictures of him swimming naked with kids to prove it. Dudley says it looks like a party. Arnold is not about that life. Mr. Horton asks if these young adults want a little wine with their pizza. Like in France, or
Michael Jackson’s house. Arnold says no way, but
when Dudley says yup, Arnold refuses to let him drink alone. True friendship. Mr. Horton says let’s play Instagram. Dudley can be Tarzan. But Tarzan never wore a shirt. Better pop that thing off, Dudster. Now let’s take some
pictures, drink some wine, have a good time, to be
continued, right now. Horton says Tarzan needs a lion. He volunteers, he loves lion to kids. But first more jungle juice. Arnold says no thanks, that stuff nasty. But when Dudley calls him a
punk, Arnold says pour up drank. – L’chaim.
(laughing) – [Narrator] Close enough. Horton invites them to jump
on his twin sized mattress. An underdog contender for top five saddest things about this episode. He says they can use his nickname: Curly. A nickname for his hair, just not the ones on his head. A customer arrives, it’s Mr. Drummond. He tries to pay for the
bike but can’t take the hint to scram from Horton’s horny ass. Arnold sees his daddy talking
to the guy he lives with and books it out the back with Dudley and a fist full of gum. Arnold gets busted by Kimberly and Willis with a mouth full of minty chew. They ask why he smells like
Kiefer Sutherland’s poolhouse. He says it’s just wine. Dudley’s dad gave it to him. And what’s the big deal? Everyone drinks wine in France. But he’s not in France, or Michael Jackson’s house. And if Dad finds out he’s
going to whoop his ass. Arnold feels bad about all the sneaking. Mr. Horton has some cartoons
that might change his mind. Arnold’s not convinced. – [Mr Horton] Oh, that’s alright Dudley. That just means that there’s more Boston cream pie for you and me. (laughing) – [Arnold] Boston cream pie? – [Narrator] Let’s pray to God he’s talking about dessert
and not a road trip. Mr. Horton puts on the toons. – [Arnold] That mouse just lost his pants. (laughing) He’s not wearing any undershorts! (laughing) – [Dudley] Look at that girl mouse. She’s wearing a bikini. – [Arnold] Not anymore! (laughing) – [Narrator] Very very
very weird laugh track. This vintage hentai finally exceeds Arnold’s capacity for bullshit. He’s taking his cream pie to go. Mr. Horton says now they can play Neptune. It’s a water game in the
shower, Dudley’s gonna love it. Dudley’s dad swings by
the Drummond residence. He politely requests they stop
sending Dudley home sauced. Yesterday he came home smelling like Nick Nolte’s Golden Globes tuxedo. Mr. Drummond denies the allegations. Willis and Kimberly spill beans. They say Arnold came home shmambamed but claimed he got
loose at Dudley’s house. Dadley is going to talk with his son. Mr. Drummond is going to
go whoop Arnold’s ass. Time to tackle the serious
topic of pre-teen alcoholics. – [ Mr. Drummond] He
came to discuss something that I found quite informative. – [Arnold] Oh? What’s that? – [Mr. Drummond] You and
Dudley hitting the bottle. – [Arnold] Whatchoo talkin’ about, dad? (laughing) – [Narrator] Nailed it. Mr. Drummond wants a name. Arnold fingers Horton,
which is not the way Horton hoped things would go. – [Arnold] He gave us some pizza and wine. – [Mr. Drummond] What else went on there? – [Arnold] He showed us some pictures. Everybody was naked. (laughing) – [Narrator] Ha ha. – [Mr. Drummond] Naked? – [Arnold] And he showed
us some kinky cartoons. (laughing) – [Narrator] Ha ha. – [Mr. Drummond] What
do you mean by kinky? – [Arnold] Well, you told me
about the birds and the bees, but that’s nothing compared
to what those mice were doing. (laughing) – [Narrator] Ha ha ha. Mr. Drummond calls five-oh and brings them to
Horton’s den of Schwinn. Busted you sweatered sicko. Dudley says Mr. Horton gave
him a pill to feel good. But he does not feel good. At first it was fun, then Mr.
Horton tried to touch ’em. His dad says it’s not his
fault and he loves him. Then makes a face that says
goddamn you white people. Arnold doesn’t know who to trust anymore. Mr. Drummond says you can
still trust most people. Even, like, three of the white ones. But watch out for adults
who tell you to keep secrets from your parents, or lavish
you with gifts and wine, even if they made Thriller. So what did we learn today? Stay the hell away from bike shops. Because the nice old man running them might try to feed your
kid ice cream and wine then show him pictures
of his saggy old balls and photograph his best
friend without a shirt on. And if someone offers you a free radio, you’re better off just
buying the damn thing and saving yourself a
lot stress and therapy. And it doesn’t matter
what people do in France. Because we are not in France, or Michael Jackson’s house. See you next time on A
Very Special Episode.

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