| by Kenneth Chase | 2 comments

Shopping for a New Version of You

(snappy music) – It’s almost spring, time to
do a little online shopping for a new spring look. Oh, maxi-dresses, yeah, I could be this girl. – Siobhan girl, sister, this is you. – I look amazing, and tan. – You are tan. Girls who wear flowy maxi-dresses always have the most
enviable, golden brown tan, in a non-aging way. By day, you’re soaking up the sun, and by night you’re illuminated
by globe string lights. – Oh, I love being around those lights. – In this dress, you’re
just a cool, breezy gal who doesn’t get stressed out
about people not following the order before you find a table rule at counter service restaurants. You’re too busy swinging on hammocks at nighttime garden parties. – I love that me. – Yeah, all right, not so fast
sun goddess, look over here. – Well, that’s kind of
a cool look too, though. – Yeah, you think? Why hang out in chiffon with
weird hammock marks on your ass when you could be a walking CK1 ad? – Oh man, I do love the idea
of being the kind of girl who wears a $500 t-shirt just because. – Yeah, of course you do, you bad bitch. This version of you likes
drinking brown drinks, and she never tries picking
things up with her toes just to see if she can. – I spend 93% of my time with my head thrown back in laughter (laughing). – I have 40 leather jackets
just waiting for you to wear to secret underground concerts. – I’ll tell you a secret. – Oh. – If you buy these space-themed leggings, you’ll be the woman that
everybody is jealous of. I wake up early in the
morning because I want to, and I get mistaken for Kate
Hudson, like, all of the time. And I feel my most confident
wearing a bikini sitting down. That’s just who I am. – I can’t even imagine
being confident in a bikini, let alone sitting down in one. – I own my own yurt, I make my own yogurt, and I do yoga without farting. – I love that each of these purchases would completely transform me as a person, but I guess I have to decide
which of the three of you, me, I want to be. – What do you mean, three of you? How about being the kind
of girl who eats sundaes for breakfast and strips for feminism? All it takes is just one
pair of 50s sunglasses. – Ah, my armpits smell like pine, and I’ve been to six waterfalls. You buy a campfire mug,
and that could be you. – Zee ultimate girl to be
is a French mega-bitch. You buy zis red lipstick,
and you will not care about anything, but everything
will care about you. – Oh darling, don’t listen to them, buy this pair of six inch heels, and you’ll live off cocaine and caviar for the rest of your life. – But I don’t do drugs. – Yet (sniff). – Ooh. – I have 40 leather jackets. – You told her about the jackets already. – All right, well, I already
have Beyoncé tickets then. – I could do all of the
splits, especially the middle. – Hey, well, I don’t wear a bra. – Oh, I never wear a bra. – Who would wear a bra, not me. – Guess I really hate bras. – I know the choreography
to Magic Mike’s pony dance. – I know Heath Ledger.
– [Camper] He’s dead. – Says you.
(clanging) This is Versace. – Oh stop, this reinventing myself in spring is so exhausting. Maybe I should just buy a new
shirt from J.Crew like always. – [All] No! – All right. Hey, does anybody want any string lights? – Ooh, I’ll take ’em, happy spring. – [Siobhan] Hi, I’m
Siobhan from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe, and click here for more fun stuff, ya filthy animals. I was abandoned in this office when I was 10 years old by my parents. I’ve only eaten pizza for such a long time. I think I have scurvy.


Thomas Pastor

Oct 10, 2019, 8:24 pm Reply

Siobhan, if you buy the Little Black Dress, you'll end up like Katie.

Thomas Pastor

Oct 10, 2019, 8:27 pm Reply

Is the French Megabitch single? Oh wait, she's in Los Angeles and I'm in Western Pennsylvania, and I have no means of traveling. Curses.


Oct 10, 2019, 2:33 am Reply

Hahah that ending wit grant always so funny

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