| by Kenneth Chase | 100 comments

President Trump Spoke Publicly for 56 Total Minutes Last Week


-Let’s get to the news. According to CNN,
President Trump spoke publicly for 56 total minutes last week. Even though the car behind him
was honking the whole time. Investigators are saying that
the guards at the jail holding sex trafficker
Jeffrey Epstein may have been asleep at the time of his death. Worse, they were asleep
in their beds at home. “Oh, we were supposed
to stay there?” Politico has published
an article about two college students who have
become popular deejays amongst Trump supporters and go
by the stage name Milk N Cooks, which is incidentally the
Secret Service names for these two. Walmart has launched an
investigation after a North Carolina mother
found that the baby formula she purchased turned out
to be flour. She suspected it was flour after
noticing changes in her baby. “No, he seems fine.
He’s very happy. Yeah, no, you touch his belly
button, and he just giggles.” The blog Vogueworld posted
an article yesterday entitled “Brad Pitt Proves That
Fedoras Can Actually be Hot.” Although, I think a more
accurate title would have been “Brad Pitt’s
Hotness Overcomes Fedora.” Ohio State University has filed
to trademark the word “the,” due to its inclusion in the
school’s formal name and the tradition of pro
athletes referring to their alma mater as
“the Ohio State University.” Said a judge, “That is
‘the’ dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” [ Cheers and applause ] The producers of “Star Wars”
have announced they’re partnering with Mattel
to produce a new line of Barbie dolls
based on the movies. But they are creating
unrealistic body standards for Hutts. I like a joke that
I would have got in 1984. The band Guns N’ Roses has
dropped a copyright lawsuit against a company that was
selling a Guns ‘N’ Rosé beer, which is good news for the
makers of Sweet Child O’ Wine. And, finally, a venomous
3-foot-long snake has now been missing from the
Bronx Zoo for over a week. “I haven’t seen him,” said
a cashier at the gift shop.

100 Comments

Cryptonymicus

Aug 8, 2019, 4:22 pm Reply

And I would've listened to Trump, too, except there's more content in the yowling of female cats in heat.

Brock Albert

Aug 8, 2019, 4:30 pm Reply

Milk and Crook.

Martin Sullivan

Aug 8, 2019, 4:39 pm Reply

And not interested Seth ! Seth looks like a gay vampire!

blupunk01

Aug 8, 2019, 5:01 pm Reply

Matt Johnson, founder of the new wave band The The, might have something to say about that.

darcanjel7

Aug 8, 2019, 5:23 pm Reply

I lost it at the Pillsbury Doughbaby.

thomas hardy

Aug 8, 2019, 5:28 pm Reply

You mean he mumbled incoherently for 56 mins which nobody understood.

friendofbeaver

Aug 8, 2019, 5:29 pm Reply

The Ohio University, my Alma Mater, is the oldest (1804) university in Ohio. OSU is a bigger school with a bigger brand. What else do they want?

Marks Hwang

Aug 8, 2019, 5:31 pm Reply

Shut up, Trump, you are being noisy and annoying in public.

Dr. Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

Aug 8, 2019, 5:36 pm Reply

Look out for Ben and Jerry's new Trump Administration themed ice cream flavor "Cheetos 'n' Cream".

Weylander

Aug 8, 2019, 5:41 pm Reply

Haha very funny., THANK YOU SetH Myeres Trump is bad man smh my head

Charlie Schroeder

Aug 8, 2019, 5:45 pm Reply

What's funny is that Sweet Child O' Vine is actually a beer made by Fulton

Frances Witham

Aug 8, 2019, 6:04 pm Reply

And said nothing worthwhile.

Ed S

Aug 8, 2019, 6:29 pm Reply

56 minutes too much. Can’t stand the sound of his voice or what he has to say.

Haldon Lindstrom

Aug 8, 2019, 6:49 pm Reply

As a graduate of THE George Washington University, I would like to tell THE Ohio State University that no one uses the 'THE' to refer to you, outside of official documentation. No one went to TOSU – they went to OSU. Get over your dang selves

Arnie Calang

Aug 8, 2019, 7:18 pm Reply

The jokes these week are on point!

Evil Lyn

Aug 8, 2019, 7:41 pm Reply

The cashier in the gift shop.
I had to laugh, then giggle for a while…

Kathleen McDowell

Aug 8, 2019, 7:44 pm Reply

Seth's Photoshop department really shines here….

Michael Blodgett

Aug 8, 2019, 8:04 pm Reply

Who the hell buys Walmart brand baby formula?

Walt F.

Aug 8, 2019, 8:23 pm Reply

"President Trump Spoke Publicly for 56 Total Minutes" – and didn't say a damned thing!

FishbowlPhenom

Aug 8, 2019, 8:36 pm Reply

A cashier at the gift shop said, "I haven't ssssssssseen him." There, fixed the punch line.

Ayad Ali

Aug 8, 2019, 8:54 pm Reply

First!

Agent Orange

Aug 8, 2019, 8:56 pm Reply

56 minutes of pure D ???????????????????????????????lard azzzzzz demon

Len Yvonne

Aug 8, 2019, 9:02 pm Reply

I try to laugh but I could not!

Donald Trump is more entertaining to watch.

Some Guy

Aug 8, 2019, 9:17 pm Reply

I like watching Seth Myers because he is low-key boring. Does that make any sense at all?
I'm being completely serious.

Jim’s videos

Aug 8, 2019, 9:27 pm Reply

1:00 Doughy little bugger, isn't he?

ExplosionChimp

Aug 8, 2019, 9:37 pm Reply

I'd like to copyright the word "and"… any person or entity using the word must pay me royalties.

MaaaarrJ

Aug 8, 2019, 9:47 pm Reply

I think this weird little guy Seth has a crush on trump lol how many videos is this guy going to make ???

Walt Schmidt

Aug 8, 2019, 9:54 pm Reply

Seth the scumbag commie.

Jared Z

Aug 8, 2019, 10:12 pm Reply

the

geno mccgeno

Aug 8, 2019, 10:17 pm Reply

So did he say anything interesting? Or true?

Mark_Porsche _911

Aug 8, 2019, 10:53 pm Reply

I can believe it takes trump 56mins to order his drive through, the fat ???

TheQuail64

Aug 8, 2019, 10:58 pm Reply

What is grandpaw Seth whining about today ?

jacqueline walker

Aug 8, 2019, 11:00 pm Reply

The leaders of this country is treating each state as a departed state. In stead of a united states. these people voted in is to run these states for the major corporation of D.C. of Washington. For all corporation to be as one. on this continent Once you become a member of the United States. You are to uphold its purpose. That the founders of this country fought for. And for all to be equal. even tho there still issues of the constitution, of the United we stand, in the states of America. This is not what's understood for America.

mungfam

Aug 8, 2019, 11:18 pm Reply

0:48 funniest joke ever

James Ashcraft

Aug 8, 2019, 11:19 pm Reply

Trump trump trump trump that’s all you talk about !!!!! ?

Weldon Mix

Aug 8, 2019, 11:38 pm Reply

Seth Meyers: Snarky as ever; still not funny

Sophie Peraaud

Aug 8, 2019, 11:39 pm Reply

YOU MEAN THE NEEDY PREDATOR WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS PATHETIC SELF.?

American Patriot

Aug 8, 2019, 11:54 pm Reply

【TRUMP 2020】Lets Make Liberals Cry Again! lol

TheMaloney

Aug 8, 2019, 12:21 am Reply

These are jokes my dad would tell…and he's pretty lame.

BarryWaterlow

Aug 8, 2019, 12:24 am Reply

Want to know how Mr Bigly BoneSpurs BabyCager did away with his ex-buddy Epstein?

Dorthy Brooks

Aug 8, 2019, 12:27 am Reply

Who listened

Amazing Supergirl

Aug 8, 2019, 12:39 am Reply

Omg haha the cashier snake with glasses at the end ?

John Spooner

Aug 8, 2019, 12:44 am Reply

I think that "fedora" is actually a trilby. Anyone?

ValirAmaril

Aug 8, 2019, 12:50 am Reply

Still too much

Hermann Fegelein

Aug 8, 2019, 12:56 am Reply

The Hutts joke is wrong. Hutts see being fat as a good thing as it is a symbol of your powerful. You can spend all day on your ass while your goons do everything else.

adam forbes

Aug 8, 2019, 1:26 am Reply

Hi, I'd like to waste 56 minutes of my time with stupidity and total cluelessness.
..say no more, I got you.

C. A. C.

Aug 8, 2019, 1:35 am Reply

SO FUNNY !!!
LISTEN (CLICK LINK BELOW) " (Short but to the point) "I AM A CRAZY DEMOCRAT SONG"" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghUOmttv75o

ErykaSoleil

Aug 8, 2019, 1:45 am Reply

Is Pitt actually wearing a fedora in that shot? I thought it looked like a Panama. ? Maybe a trilby?

(Edited to add the trilby.)

matter

Aug 8, 2019, 1:47 am Reply

.
Any of these comments could be fake. I want assurances that I'm getting real people's opinions. X
Companies or governments could cheaply influence public opinion through fake comments. Google needs a fix fast.

Teah Miller

Aug 8, 2019, 1:54 am Reply

??

Ro G

Aug 8, 2019, 1:58 am Reply

56 minutes, eh??
That's one minute for every time t'rump fantasized about banging his own daughter.
That week.
????

Vanessa Awada

Aug 8, 2019, 2:00 am Reply

The joke about the pillsbury baby is UNDERRATED

Stephanie Logan

Aug 8, 2019, 2:23 am Reply

LMMFAO unrealistic body standards for Hutts! They might be getting harassed by the rest of the universe, though..considering the best known Hutt standard is currently the resident in the WH.

Ryan Ehlis

Aug 8, 2019, 2:23 am Reply

MAGA

C JL

Aug 8, 2019, 2:29 am Reply

O – H!!

northerniltree

Aug 8, 2019, 2:37 am Reply

Yeah? Well, everyone at my wife's tea parties can talk 61 minutes in an hour.

James Bates

Aug 8, 2019, 3:48 am Reply

Hey did you liberals see Billy Clinton in a blue dress? Demokratz are so silly..

roger peet

Aug 8, 2019, 6:32 am Reply

I will go to a hypnotist and have these days removed.

tenacious645

Aug 8, 2019, 6:32 am Reply

He lied for almost an hour then.

lich109

Aug 8, 2019, 6:47 am Reply

I think the snake was appointed to a position of power by Trump. Like attracts like after all.

specialpatrolgroup92

Aug 8, 2019, 7:05 am Reply

Don't want to have to go to jelly school, but Barbie the Hut is a bit of a butherface…

Hazel Pearson

Aug 8, 2019, 10:31 am Reply

56 minutes of shouting over the noise of helicopter engines, the sound of smooth running engines preferable to the empty noise coming out of his lying mouth, at least they work and serve a useful purpose.

Arielsummers

Aug 8, 2019, 12:00 pm Reply

I worked at a multi-billion dollar company as a Security Officer…we had one officer in another building come clock in while wearing her robe and slippers. Apparently she had done this for years without an incident…but when the sprinkling system, fire alarm and robotic machinery went wild  she was busted.  This company was and is an international company moved it manufacturing plant to Mexico and builds computers for the world.

Story Teller of Evil

Aug 8, 2019, 12:33 pm Reply

fun fact. workers at OSU are made to say THE. it's basically part of THE uniform.

Blud Clot

Aug 8, 2019, 9:03 pm Reply

DEMOCRATS DESPERATE FOR A DISTRACTION….. LETS STAY FOCUSED… BILL CLINTON WEARING A BLUE DRESS WITH RED PUMPS.

Smoke of Spades

Aug 8, 2019, 10:10 pm Reply

How bigly of Trump. Also how's the wall going

Marie Smith

Aug 8, 2019, 4:01 am Reply

'WASHINGTON – The federal prison system paid $1.6 million in bonuses to its top executives and wardens during the past two years despite chronic staffing shortages and sharp critiques of prison management leveled by Congress.The payments – the latest in a series of annual awards – ranged from $5,400 to $23,800 per official. The largest sums went to the agency’s leadership team, including $20,399 to the U.S. Bureau of Prisons' acting director, Hugh Hurwitz, and the wardens of prisons who confronted what union officials described as dangerous shortages of guards"… USA TODAY.
U.S. Atty. Bill Barr is the authoority over Hurwitz. He should recuse himself from the investigation.

MIZ. SHE

Aug 8, 2019, 6:43 am Reply

Man, just use d. chump for a model for Jabba!

Patricia M

Aug 8, 2019, 9:27 am Reply

Talk? Trailer Trash Traitor Trump rambles incoherently.

Moss Stirling

Aug 8, 2019, 10:37 am Reply

MEYERS YOUR A TOSSER!!!!

maryinsanfrancisco

Aug 8, 2019, 11:01 am Reply

The Pillsbury Doughboy is what your baby looks like when your husband is the Michelin Man.

thingamagig

Aug 8, 2019, 12:46 pm Reply

Milk n Kooks lol

Lucie Křížková

Aug 8, 2019, 8:08 pm Reply

Neal Caffrey made fedoras hot for me. 🙂

Gambits 22

Aug 8, 2019, 9:06 pm Reply

the guards were asleep on a pile of money

andyreiter

Aug 8, 2019, 12:59 am Reply

You need new writers.

Amara Jordan

Aug 8, 2019, 1:18 am Reply

He spoke for 56 minutes, but did he actually say anything?

Mike Grant

Aug 8, 2019, 1:24 am Reply

56 minutes of him attempting to get his official lie count daily rate back up to the 10 a day average.

Tre Bucketz

Aug 8, 2019, 2:58 am Reply

Which is kind of amazing since neither Trump nor his followers have an attention span that long.

oldrrocr

Aug 8, 2019, 4:45 am Reply

I like it when Don the Commie is "trump-splaining" something and he realizes he doesn't know enough about the subject, and goes into his woody-allen hand gestures. Finishing by telling us that it was Clinton's fault (or Obama) and stating that only he can fix it. Trouble is: he is not a comedian -but a poor excuse for a president*.

Samsonian

Aug 8, 2019, 6:30 am Reply

You sure you don’t mean “Milk and Crooks?”

Freddy Palacios

Aug 8, 2019, 3:34 pm Reply

56 minutes of bullshit, unhelpful lies

mytexas days

Aug 8, 2019, 5:51 pm Reply

Which baby formula? I want a baby like that.

sgbobsg

Aug 8, 2019, 6:16 pm Reply

Milk and Cooks are more proof that millennials are poorly educated.

Todd Crabtree

Aug 8, 2019, 6:26 pm Reply

Trump spoke publicly for 56 minutes. It was the live, commercial free premiere of the new season of American Horror Story.

Nicolle Barrett

Aug 8, 2019, 6:45 pm Reply

They should call Epstein a rape trafficker, not a sex trafficker.

Robert Peterson

Aug 8, 2019, 1:05 am Reply

Whomever writes his punch lines sucks. They’re not funny.

DIESEL0759

Aug 8, 2019, 3:11 am Reply

OK, "Sweet Child O'Wine" was a BAD, BAD, BAD joke!!

Mr. Jazzbo

Aug 8, 2019, 10:22 am Reply

New joke writer?

Anne Bradley

Aug 8, 2019, 2:25 pm Reply

5+6=11
Inside Freemsons: ILLUMINATI
You bet you a$$ they want to take over the world, so either buckle up or hopefully take your gloves off!

azae00 Vids

Aug 8, 2019, 5:52 pm Reply

So yeah if you read random word in a dictionary doesn’t mean you understand the dictionary

Max Toast Ghost

Aug 8, 2019, 11:34 pm Reply

That last story was a missed opportunity for a good Harry Potter joke.

Michael Puig

Aug 8, 2019, 12:38 am Reply

Trump speeches are like his idols, Adolph & Fidel.

John Brooks

Aug 8, 2019, 4:23 am Reply

Trump is my President all day fools you must hate america shamefull

jettsoma

Aug 8, 2019, 5:31 am Reply

Nice change of pace not having trump in the whole thing. ?

Primo Benavides

Aug 8, 2019, 9:35 am Reply

Who listens to what the lying president has to say? 56 Minutes of lies.

RictusJervis M86

Aug 8, 2019, 7:57 pm Reply

The Logical Dimension and the Physic of Positivity in Emotional Expressions
What does one expect in an empire whose creative force created in only the logical dimensions of language? The music and scripts read like legal documents or a scientific treatise. The scripts and music lack positivity and emotional quality. It's as though there is a dance party full of exposed wire run by Benjamin Franklin. Whether these are Vogons, Vulcans, or Stormtroopers is beyond me. Maybe, studying rhetoric more for the psychological dimension, or some emotional quality would help? Maybe, an overall change in tone from diction and abstraction to a richer connotation of words without becoming pedantic or product propagandists would be more desirable? While science and history are necessary elements in the elementary world I believe they present a conundrum in the world of emotional expression. The human experience is more than rote work, warfare and calculus. This catharsis needs more hortation not my personal annotations.
* See, The Trivium, "The Logical and Psychological Dimensions of Language "
**Note, This is a claim of policy and value on their motif and diction, not necessarily their enjabments.

bill w

Aug 8, 2019, 4:17 am Reply

LOCK UP TRAITOR TRUMP

Ken PH

Aug 8, 2019, 7:36 pm Reply

I guess that snake wanted to escape(2:30) zoo before it would close due to trumps stupid policies

Gal Dagon

Aug 8, 2019, 10:56 am Reply

"The Glenlivet" is trademarked.

N S

Aug 8, 2019, 4:04 pm Reply

America was Cyber attached by Russia in 2016. Russia won the Cyber battle, and installed Trump in the Whitehouse. If Trump wins in 2020, Russia wins the Cyber War. Trump is a wannabe Oligarch. VOTE Democrat to save democracy.

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