James Veitch – 2017 Opening Night Comedy Allstars Supershow
Hi guys. I am going to tell you about a text
message I got that was not meant for me and I know that because it began Hi Phil.
And I’m not Phil. It said. My name’s Andrew; I’m one of the new tenants at 11
Dover Place and I’ve been told you’re the person to contact regarding upkeep problems etc.
I said Ah I’m not actually. And I was just composing another text message
displaying the fact that he probably got the number wrong by a digital or so but then before I had a chance to send it I got this. Saying actually you are. *crowd laughs* And I thought, ah you d*ck. He said according to the leasing agreement, you’re responsible for looking after 11 Dover Place from a maintenance perspective. From my perspective which it has to be said is not one of maintenance there’s only one thing I could do my hands were tied. I said my mistake. How can I help? Phil. *crowd laughs* And we were off. He said I’m in the
bedroom with ensuite; Can a thermostatic valve be fitted to the towel rail in the bathroom as it’s making the room unbearably hot. I thought about it and I said no can do. *crowd laughs* But, I’m having my builder come round on
Wednesday to remove one of the windows. *crowd laughs* This should stop the bedroom overheating. *crowd laughs* He said Hi Phil, I’m at work on Wednesday. Can you clarify what you meant when you said you’re removing a window? I said Don’t worry, I’m not removing a window. That would be ridiculous. I’m getting a professional to do it. *crowd laughs* We should achieve a nice summer
breeze to combat the towel rail heat. He said Can you please explain what you mean about removing windows!!! Now at this point guys, if you were Andrew you probably would be wondering quite correctly whether I was indeed Phil. And I didn’t want him to think that because by this point I had plans. So what I wanted was some proof. So what I did is I just went to do Google and I Google searched… Google’s amazing. Coz the first thing that came up, was an archived Zoopla page for 11 Dover Place when I searched for it, including a floor plan and I thought wow that is very useful. *crowd laughs* Because there’s only one room with
ensuite so I said look this is the plan for Wednesday. Now guys watch very carefully. *crowd laughs* I made that into an animated gif and I
sent it to him via iMessage but what I didn’t realise at the time was that if you sent an animated gif via iMessage, it just repeats. I said look FYI, to take full advantage of this, you’ll need to keep your bathroom door open at all times. He said This is unacceptable. If you do this on Wednesday my lawyer will be in touch. I said Andrew from Wednesday expect the flat to be out of action for six weeks as we initiate the following four step plan. *crowd laughs* I was having a great time. Step one:
remove all four walls. *crowd laughs* And that’s just step 1! *crowd laughs* Step two: Expand bathroom. *crowd laughs* Step three: Can isolate towel rail within refrigeration dome. *crowd laughs* Step four: Counteract remaining towel rail heat with tower of ice. I’ve just spoken to the real landlord so you can knock it off. *crowd laughs* I said No problem. Out of interest did he agree to sort the towel rail? *crowd laughs* Stop texting me. *crowd laughs* I said Oh go on! Did he?? *crowd laughs* Yes. *crowd laughs* Thank you everyone.